me this morning:

"i have waited my entire life to be old, hating childhood, hating public school, hating other kids, and now i'm almost 18 and i'm fat and i can't put my leg behind my head anymore. this is so dumb."

ahh, youth.

I just wanted to show off my new reggicon.

That is the color of my poop. I'm not kidding, or exaggerating. I shat bright green this morning, and I even showed Shane because I was so freaked out. After some necessary internet research and the discovery of poopreport.com, food dye Blue #5 mixes with bile to make "brilliant green" poo. And it just so happens that a day or two ago, I ate an entire pint of Baskin Robbins' new blue-tastic flavor of ice cream, which is really really blue. Which means it probably has Blue #5 in it. So next time you shit bright green, you will know why.

In other news, we have Milkshakes! She and Pete are sort of getting along, but sort of not. They're both happy, though. I still don't have a job, and I'm aiming to get my navel pierced on Monday. And, I've started playing Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, and it's lots of fun c:

If anyone wants to come over, hang out, do crafts, go to Shipwreck beads, make bread or any other baking thing, anything, CALL ME. I am lonely during the day (not so much anymore with Milkshakes), and sometimes I like being alone, but sometimes I just want to hang out! That's kind of what I was trying to get away from at my dad's house, feeling lonely and not being able to do anything about it. But now I am on a bus line. And I can do whatever I want. I'm free, look at me, freedom in high fidelity (free na-na-na-na-na-na-na).

Yeah. 3605612210. EDITED because THAT is my phone number, and what I put there before was my dad's. :|

Wow. I'm so overwhelmed right now.

Celia Rivenbark. Oh my god.

Excerpt from her column about iPhones:

"The funniest thing I read during the recent iPhone opening-day hysteria was that, at one California store, the folks who had waited in line for nearly 24 hours happily allowed Apple deity Steve Jobs to cut in line to buy two of his own phones.

"Dude, are you kidding me? If I'd been camping out getting all stinky and hungry waiting to give this guy's company $600 FOR A PHONE, I'd say, 'No cuts, loser; I've got the physical imprint of a webbed chair carved into my thighs for probably the next 10 years so, like I said, back of the line.'

"She looked at me with a mix of pity and frustration. I imagined it was the same expression worn by Orville and Wilbur Wright when they were greeted with crowds wearing 'Steam Locomotives Rock!' T-shirts wherever they went."

WEIRD
That woman I was going to work with at Staffmark hasn't been at her office any of the days I've been near there.

FUNNY
I tripped getting on the bus, and some black guy laughed at me.

WEIRD
Some dude called me "honey" after a grueling argument/discussion about god.

FUNNY
Not only did I yell "ZOSIA?!" at some girl who looked like Zosia but had a mohawk (thus, the question mark and exclamation point) and she was most definitely not Zosia, I stopped and stared through tinted windows at a driver of a blue SUV because I thought it was Shane. It was not Shane.

WEIRD
A dude asked me if my haircolor was natural. It's fucking red, man! No one's hair like this is natural!

FUNNY
I asked a guy if he had a pen I could use, and he handed me a pen with deoderant on the end of it. I said, "I can use this one?" He looked at it and said, "Uhh... Here's a different one."

* * * *

COOL
There's a new record shop that also sells belt buckles, lighters, and flasks right next to Earth Magic. Must go!

LAME
I went to go apply at Archibald Sisters (I had a shpeal: "I am a bouncy, fun, eclectic, and thoroughly experienced Archibald Sisters shopper here to apply for the hopefully still open part-time position!") and the position was filled. :C

COOL
A higher-up employee of Archibald Sisters laughed when I said "Man.. I was really excited to knock your guys' socks off."

LAME
I gave money to some lady that asked me for change to help her with the bus, and then I realized she was pan-handling.

COOL
I got $200 for my paycheck!

LAME
A bird pooped near me.

I've had a few adventures since Wednesday evening, when I finally realized, "Wow. I'm going to be living on my own." Here's some.

1. Thawing frozen-solid ground beef is not as easy as it sounds. Even when you put it into the fridge a few hours before cooking the goulash sauce, it is still frozen solid a few hours later. You can call your dad to ask him how to unthaw frozen meat, and he'll tell you to microwave it on the "thaw" setting, but your grandma's microwave will be old and stupid, not having a "thaw" setting, and you will resort to "quick defrost." It will work fairly well, but the corners of your meat will cook, and you will have to throw them away. There will still be enough meat for your sauce, and when you cook it you will have to ask your boyfriend to press garlic because you forgot, and he'll get irritated with you because you want him to peel them, and he thinks that's difficult.
2. It takes 40 total minutes to open a bottle of wine. First, you find the fancy corkscrew contraption your grandma has in the top drawer to the left of the fridge. It already has a cork in it from the night before, so you take it off, and then screw it into the cork in the new wine bottle. What you don't know is the secret way to use the device that your grandma touts to be so easy. You will spend 30 minutes fumbling with the fucking thing, taking breaks to cook stuff and mumble to yourself about how stupid it is. Then, miraculously, the bottle opener part will catch on the rim of the wine bottle, and make it increasingly easy to simply press down on the handle and remove the cork. However, by now you have corkscrewed the thing twice, it is weak, and it will break in half twice before you actually get the damn thing out. You will pour wine to let it breathe, but even an hour later it will still feel like vodka going down your throat, and you will not drink the whole glass. Your boyfriend will like it, though.
3. You feel very proud when your boyfriend likes the home-cooked meal you have prepared from scratch and without a recipe.
4. Your grandma's alarm clock will go off in the morning, and it will take you ten to fifteen minutes of button-pushing to figure out how to turn the damn thing off. Who said old people are technologically-impaired?
5. After you call your grandma to ask her where the colander is, you will yell once you've turned the phone off, saying, "That's a ridiculous place to put a colander! It belongs in THIS cabinet now!"

Still, God has not tryed to communicate with me through the toilet seat yet. I'm a little disappointed.

We're going to visit Jason and Phyllis (and Jacob!!!!!!) tonight. I'm going to cut Phyllis a spray of fancy lavendar to hang on her wall. Yay!

Also, I've started drinking coffee. Mind you, with a bunch of milk and sugar in it, but still coffee. I can't believe I think it tastes good, but I make just enough for Shane to have a cup and me to have half a cup. Weird.

I am going to get a Zune. I was previously planning on buying an iPod Video as my "splurge" or "I-just-got-9,000-dollars" item, but I've decided I like the Zune much better. For someone who doesn't listen to podcasts very often (other than Major Nelson, who's Microsoft, so he offers a Zune version), who likes especially pretty gadgets, and am mostly interested in an easy user interface, the Zune looks like the best choice for me. Plus this means I don't have to endorse Apple, I don't have to fuck around with iTunes anymore, and I can sync up my Zune to Shane's Xbox. Yeah!

( Photo of the watermelon Zune I will buy )

In other news, Shane and I are officially living in Jo's house, and I even made dinner last night, and coffee for the man this morning. I got my handyman on by putting some strings on the gate so you can open it from the outside, and I'm planning on painting the medicine cabinet. But first I must take a shower.

Right after I update my layout.

( Pros and Cons for 3rd/4th of July )

I had a super time. I got to hang out with Shane and Tas, Teresa and Garry, and my family, and a bunch of people I don't know. Good food, good company, and kick-ass fireworks.

Happy birthday, America!

(Also, Terri was wearing a shirt that said "Bush" but the s was one half of a Nazi symbol. I thought that was cool.)

I'm going to go help Jo move the boat today, and hopefully Shane and I will be house-sitting for her while she cruises from mid-July until early September. It'll be really fun.

First of all, I've been dallying in iconmaking for a while now. I'm going to post a few of my favorites, and ask if I should either make my own community, or join another to get my icons out there.

( ICONS?? )

Poll #1014088
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

Vote of confidence: should I start making icons in a community?

Secondly, this is entirely freaky, and I'm ashamed to admit this fact, and I have to find out if it's just me or if everyone is like this.

Poll #1014089
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

Am I a freak for thinking Lindsay Lohan is pretty?

Polls are cool!

I got a job interview!




EEG on July 11th...

Isn't it strange how time progresses, how we lose and make friends, how things that seemed so important are now hard to remember? I looked through my yearbooks for a Sutherland, and I found tiny relics of my high school past tucked away on pages and in handwriting.

I found the entry in my 9th grade yearbook by Abby. She was a very good friend, and I miss our friendship a lot. I haven't spoken to her in a very long time, and I wonder if she reads the entries in her yearbook and reminisces too.

I found Molly's pictures, looking more and more evil as time progressed. Whether this is because of what I associated her with before and after we were friends, or because of the shape of her eyebrows, I don't know. I now try to dredge up those horrible feelings of that relationship, first the friendship, then fighting, and then being enemies. It felt so huge at the time, a very close friend suddenly becoming an enemy. And now? I don't feel nearly as resentful as I did. Now, I simply regret not having better handled my friendships at that time in my life. And, of course, every bit of every lost friendship has made me grow stronger. It is Molly who told me one of the most life-changing pieces of advice I've ever heard, that I am the most important person in my life. I doubt I will ever forget our somewhat twisted history, but I think I will remember it fondly, if only as a learning experience.

I found Matt's handwriting in my 10th grade yearbook, something I highly doubt I will ever look back on fondly. I may have learned many things from our relationship, but that doesn't change my resentment for his behavior, or mine, for that matter. It is phenomenal how quickly feelings can change for someone, and how quickly two people can enjoy each other or abandon each other. I wonder what it was in that month that was so different from any other month of my life.

I found both notes written by Keelan, who I had a huge crush on. In my 9th grade yearbook, I realized I had asked him out to a movie with me, and in my 10th grade yearbook, I realized I had decided he was just a really attractive asshole. Now, I sit and try to recollect the "big" moments of those years when I pined over god knows how many boys, the times when I asked for phone numbers, the times when I mustered the courage to compliment them, the times when I had no courage and ended up hurt or embarrassed. I remember feeling like any one person meant the world to me. Now I feel like only one person means the world to me. Isn't it strange how life changes?

I found the repetitive entries by acquaintances all, the classic "you're so smart," comment. Many of the people who have written that phrase in my yearbook are very intelligent, very smart, go-getting people. It makes me wonder if it is my being smart that compels them to write that, or that I am not often afraid to speak my mind. I wonder how many incredibly smart people have felt impressed or inadequate simply because someone else was a loudmouth.

I've known these people for many years, some since elementary school, and by now, I know only a couple of them. One part of Running Start that I regret is my detachment from my friends, friends since 4th grade. Maybe not very good friends, but friends nonetheless. I wonder if anyone who stayed at Capital felt the same way about me, and I wonder how different my experience would have been had I opted to stay at Capital full time.

Life goes on, like always. Every year I am farther away from my mental image of a blonde girl, slow-motion walking through a remodeled house, watching children play with microscopes and styrofoam, surveying her first school. I am farther away from my mental image of a horrendously awkward fourth grader, coming to public school for the first time, having a huge crush on Connor Schmidt, rolling up elastic belted satin skirts, and putting on fire engine-red lipstick. I am farther away from my mental images of 6th, 7th, and 8th grade, each drastically different from the others. Sixth grade with my fancy glasses that didn't fit, the hair that I never brushed, my awful psychedelic blouses, and a craving for knowledge. Seventh grade, with my brand new short hair, just learning what my appearance meant to the world, and challenging authority at every turn. Eighth grade, my helplessly backwards plight against conformity, while I frittered my time away by straightening my hair, gossiping, and kicking someone's butt. I am farther away even from my mental image of 9th grade, tiny and overachieving, so immersed in adoration for teenage boys, and completely overwhelmed by my family life. Tenth grade, learning what it meant to be myself, meeting Stephani and my Russian/evil accents, and chopping off my hair. Finally eleventh grade, I am closer to myself than ever, still embarrassed of this hidden me I've discovered, hiding it from everyone but the closest of friends, but embracing it just the same. At last, I am here and now, still fathoms away from who I was before I met Shane.

I am fully willing to dedicate the rest of my life to being comfortable in my skin, to remembering the good times and talking through the bad times, and living life for what it is: a really long roller coaster ride. It's great to remember and enjoy who I've been and what I've been through, but it's still greater to know that I've moved on from those parts of my life, and I've been actively working to improve my standard of living, bettering my experiences every single day.

Life is good.

MRIs are scary. Here is a list of things that can happen at the hospital when you get an MRI.

1. Your filling is OK. Even though it is metal. It's OK. Really. OK.
2. You might get told you will wear headphones, but they won't put music on them until you ask, and then it will be The Mountain, a.k.a. the radio station for commercials.
3. After turning on the radio for you, they will try to talk to you, even though you are wearing headphones, listening to music, and are having your brain photographed, meaning you can't really hear them, neither are you supposed to talk back.
4. When they inject you with the contrast stuff, the lady will fuck up the first time, and have to do it again, and it will hurt way more than an IV or getting your blood drawn. Plus, after you take off the stupid sticky ace bandage, you'll have a painful pair of bruisey, lumpy, sore needle pricks on the inside of your elbow.
5. It's frickin' boring! And they put your head in a cage! I almost wish I had claustrophobia so I could have been sedated for the damn thing.

Linkage:

Life imitates art: Moon to be equipped with frickin lasers courtesy of Engadget

Tiny games in altoid tins courtesy of Joystiq

Another Will Ferrel plus baby video courtesy of Funny or Die

Outtakes from the baby courtesy of Funny or Die

Sunday dinners? Gooood.
Naps at 4:00 p.m.? Baaaaad.
Mary Kay make-up? Gooood.
Out $145? Baaaad.

1. Dyed my hair today, with those L'Oreal Colour Experte boxes. So now I have highlights, and really red hair. It's cool.
2. As you may have noticed, I have become obsessed with the USB Dongle Goblin. Check it, yo.
3. Now knitting a sweater.
4. I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

I'm really scatterbrained right now.

Best video ever, and it only takes 5 seconds to watch.

Click.

Also, Wilcox Hall at University of Washington was named after my great-great grandpa Roscoe Wilcox, and houses the engineering department at UW.

Cool.

I am.

Not asleep.

Made some new icons for myself, plus some new banners that will probably be posted if I remember to do so. Mostly of Regina. My tummy hurts, I'm forgetful, I've been having headaches. Shane's asleep, and grinding his teeth.

I just remembered I am not a high school student!

...*headdesk*

EDIT:
or perhaps *headpillow*

Inky is all mine! I've been taking care of her for the past two and a half days. It doesn't sound like a lot, but boy is it ever. It's a lot of work, especially potty training. Poop on my sweater is totally not cool.

She's very good at going outside, but we need to learn about not going inside. She's only pooped in my room once, so that's nice, but she's peed in here more, and that's almost worse because it's harder to find the pee spot, since it doesn't really look wet on my floor. I feel like I have to watch her all the time, just to make sure she doesn't pee everywhere.

Shane and I have found a very nice apartment at Capitol Crossing, over on Chestnut street near the Capitol (surprise surprise). It's really nice, only $700 a month, we've met the manager, and it's a downstairs floor, which is great for taking Inky out.

However, my meeting with my possible employer was delayed since she had pregnancy compliations, and wasn't at work that day. I feel really bad for her, and I'm going to send her an e-mail, but I'm a little miffed that she couldn't bother to tell anyone she'd be out of the office.

Eight things you should know if you decide to get a pug puppy:

1. Nighttime in room is no fun if you mind poop on your floor. (A) Poop on the floor will be there if you let her run around, and (B) if you don't let her run around and keep her in a cage next to your bed, she will try to jump on your bed for twenty minutes before retreating to a sitting position and whining for twenty more minutes. After you get three hours of sleep, then she will start whining again, she will pee in the cage, you will take her out to go potty, she won't have to, and then you will put her in the laundry room so you can sleep for five more hours.
2. Putting puppies in the laundry room is okay, but make sure that your heating vent isn't full of puppy food and puppy shit. If it is, try your hardest to convince your dad to help you clean it out, especially since hose water is very cold in your pajamas at 11 in the morning, and it is very hard to get a completely full heater vent empty of the crap that's been sitting in it for however long.
3. Cleaning out the laundry room can be fun, but remember to ignore the pee-stained trim, because trying to wash it even with Simple Green will make the paint come off. Paint is probably toxic, especially paint that's been liquidated with multipurpose cleaning materials.
4. Your puppy will not know her name, how to sit, how to go potty in designated places, or what the following phrases mean: "Get your toy," "Stop acting like a retard," "Come back here you freak," and "Stop wiggling." Also, treats mean nothing until they know it is in your hand and tastes good. You might as well be saying "Come and let me shank you," they are that excited about eating the treat you are offering for pooping in the lawn instead of on your carpet.
5. She will not know that cats do not like dogs, and when she gets near a cat, even if it is the best cat in the world (e.g. Milkshakes), the cat will puff up like a raccoon, and your puppy will obliviously rampage around like a retard, scaring the cat to bits.
6. New toys, bad. Old toys, good. Clothing, better. Comforters, the best.
7. Your new puppy will eat/drink like they've been malnourished all of the four months they've been alive. Your dad will tell you not to worry, and to feed her when you don't mind her peeing.
8. She will like daddy (i.e. Shane) more than you, because daddy doesn't spend three hours using his arm to push your puppy off of the bed so she will please go to bed so mommy can get rest.

All in all, puppy-raising is an enlightening experience.

Lots of things... getting MRI and EEG for neurologist. Spot where blood was drawn is all bruisy. Mouth hurts. Etc.

I have so much crap in my room! Half of the clothing I own I don't wear, and my entire floor is covered in stuff. Plus I have boxes of crap in the basement from my mom's house, and there's a glass of what used to be a strawberry banana smoothie on my desk, and it smells horrid.

Listy list:

1. My nails are awful
2. I keep having bad dreams :C
3. My puppy is still very happy
4. I officially hate Costco and all its employees
5. I accidentally stole a potion from the Mages Guild in Bruma and got kicked out, so now I have to collect 20 samples of two different flower things, and it's really irritating. (Oblivion, nerd.)
6. I cut myself some bangs, they are short like before
7. Le sigh

mouth hurts, legs hurt, don't want to type coherent sentences. thus, list.

1. wednesday, ER. horribly tummy pain, shivering while hot and without fever, uncontrollable shaking.
2. thursday, school. nap entire day, barely walk, go home, sleep.
3. friday, oral surgery. tooth is taken out, can't eat crunchy foods, not supposed to smoke. sleep + shane.
4. saturday, drs appt to follow up on ER visit. reflexes in knees ridiculously exaggerated, can't stand up straight with eyes closed, referred to neurologist. go out to oyster house for prom with shane, walk around on boardwalk, get really tired, go home.
5. sunday, have three projects to finish before monday, feel like shit, am out of tylenol 3, my legs aren't working too well, and my mouth is in pain.
6. i am very scared of what's wrong with me.

wish me healthy vibes.

Blanche: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?
Blanche: There must be homosexuals who date women.
Sophia: Yeah, they're called lesbians.

for
1. shane
2. new mood theme
3. new userpics
4. new header
5. almost done with school
6. i look hot today

C:

I don't quite know how to say what I want to say. I feel a little bit like I have writer's block.. So it's list time.

The alphabet of the week:
Awesome sex
Breakfast with Shane c:
Cigarettes
Depressed by Requiem For A Dream
End of law school for papa
Funny-sounding farts
Graduation present from great-grandma, pretty necklace
House M.D.
Inky!
Jam tarts
Karma
Laughing hysterically
Mother interference
No pimples, just sunburn
Oblivion
Procrastination
Q
Rowing out on Boston Harbor
Sushi at Fuji Teriyaki
Tired
U
Vicodin for the man
Without internet or landline
Xbox 360 for shane
Y
Z

"Some people are more equal than others."

That is a quote to be revered by IDIOTS. What an imbecile, to not only perceive some people to have more rights than others (which I assume is what he meant), but also to not understand the definition of "equal," and to misuse it in such an obvious manner.

I am searching for Princess Mononoke mood themes and screen caps! If you know where any are, please tell me c:

( New art! )

Also,

HOW TO CON, by MEGAN WALSH

1. Get the mark to smile.
2. Get the mark to say yes.
3. Give the mark praise.*
4. Give the mark something.*
5. Make it sound like what you want is really something they want.

*These two are interchangeable.

( Speaks to my soul. )

I love/hate it when Shane tickles my neck. C: What a wonderful boyfriend.

I saw a "NO STANK YOU" commercial involving the destroying of approximately 30 cigarettes, and I thought to myself, "What a waste of money."

Also, does anyone else see the oxymoronic quality of music video production for musicians who participate in Live8? That shit costs a lot of money. A lot of money that could go to starving/aids-ridden/otherwise impoverished people around the world.

Lastly, I really want DSOrganize!!

1. do my homework
2. sit here until 7:30
3. not smoke another cigarette
4. keep having dreams that my mom calls me and tells me she finally believes me, and then later tells me she lied so she could see me
5. cry
6. keep working on my layout
7. keep my layout partially dumb like it is
8. have this job anymore

( i understand, too )

1. New layout. It's cute, I made it almost all by myself.
2. Made a bunch of buttons: pictures later!
3. May have place to move out to..
4. I love Shane!

Last Thursday, I finally told my mother that I do not wish to speak with her any more. Here is what I told her:

( Finally an end to this )

I cried to Shane because I do not have a mommy anymore. He told me that he thinks I haven't had a mommy for a very long time. I talked with my therapist about it, and she told me that even if I had never told my mother, I would still not have a mommy, because any support she would give me without supporting me with this would be an illusion.

I feel done, like I have bridged a huge chasm in my life with the only control over her and my relationship I had left. I have found new mother figures in the most unlikely places imaginable. I have found solace and friendship in unlikely characters.

To Kinsey, thank you so much for standing up for me. You gave me the courage to do this.

To Shane, you are everything to me. I know you would do anything for me, and I know I would do anything for you. Your support and love has done more for me than anything else in my entire life.

To my daddy, I know you do not believe in confronting my mom, and that's okay. I do not think it would be healthy for you to stand up for me that way, because I don't think you and she could separate your past from me. That is why you are no longer together, and I am so glad that I have you still. I am so proud of you for going to law school. I speak the truth when I say you are my role model. I can only hope my life will be the quality yours is. You have made it through so much and came to a place of happiness, and you are still working to improve your quality of life. I love you.

To Lisa, you may never be my biological mother, but you are a wonderful mother figure. We have worked through our differences, and I trust you with my life. I am so grateful for you, and so happy that I have you to turn to.

To Gina, the amount of time it would take to thank you is infinite. You have instilled me with a sense of independence that I will carry for the rest of my life. I truly am grateful for your support.

To Ali, I have become overwhelmed with the amount of people who are supporting me, and I nearly cried when you called me. I am speechless and so glad that I have not only so many mother figures, but also so many people my age who are understanding and supportive. I am so lucky to have you.

And finally to Amber, THANK YOU. I am growing and healing, and it is with your help that I can do so.

I saw this on postsecret, and I thought to myself, "I wish I had that kind of courage."



I realize now that I am courageous and strong, simply with the actions and boundaries I make now.

Thank you everyone for helping me work my way to freedom from my past.

I peed my pants yesterday, on purpose, because Lisa said that my dad had told her that you can't pee your pants in public if you try to. So I said, "Uh, yes I can," and when we were outside, I peed my pants to prove her wrong.

I threw them in the washer because, ew, peepants. My dad apparently washed them with some of his clothes..

He gave them back to me just two minutes ago, and then said, "Do you want your underwear, too?" I said, "Yes," and he began looking through the pile.

He said, "It should be easy to find them, because they're the only thing that isn't boy-colors."

In the past I see pain, the melting wax of paraffin hands, the crescent shape of my halo, the representation of god in every form. In the past I see my revelation, my recreation, my evolution and affirmation.

In the present I see the everlasting soul of marksmanship, the perfect aim and fire of enigma, the crescent shape of the waning moon, the specifications of god's frame. In the present I see what I have lost and found, the purpose of my creation, the accidental meeting of sixty-six friends and the ones who have endulged.

It is with resonance I peal, a glistening liberty bell, the cracks in my skin a reminder of who I have been, who I have lived. I fear all flaws, I feel my fractures with quaking fingers and wonder what world has worn my weary self to this, this broken shell. So beautiful, this cast clam on the molten beaches of a smouldering volcano, and who makes the volcano erupt, the earth, the volcano, or the rock thrown inside? The clam is saved, but the island is lost, revered only by natives who know the story better than they know their own names.

Oral tradition. It is a remedy for forgiveness, in truth and lie we fuel our mind. I tell the stories of the demons who loved each other and killed each other. I tell the stories as I have heard them, from the demons who lived to watch and replay, but my demons are liars, the roads to my destruction, coercing my moldable memory into the shape of an M. It will protect me for sixteen years, and then the volcano I created in the crevace of my mind will erupt and expand like the universe, unfolding and unmolding until I feel all the old, reprimanded memories, in shapes I cannot name, but they feel so familiar.

I love these shapes, these places I can now visit, the protector of my post-destruction self, and I cry red tears of joy from my shapeless eyes, filling a stream with the blood, killing all the fish within. These shapes are the ones I know, the ones I can caress with certainty. The wise woman told me I now know who is real, and my hurt is no longer my own.

The madrona canoe is my only home, my only sanctuary.

I'm going to spend the night at Kinsey's tonight.

I made this cool thing, it's something that I drew that I took a picture of and then colored in on Photoshop. It was lots of fun to play with "vectors."

( gloria? )

I'm procrastinating on my polisci paper. :c

Have you ever wanted to see Kirsten Dunst in ridiculously hilarious photographs? Or how about Matthew McConaughey looking like a happy wet dog?

( Here is your chance. )

The Superficial is my savior. I couldn't more enjoy photographs of celebrities.

+ 1: random model
+ 2: stock
+ 3-4: little birds
+ 5-6: suicide girls (5: nena, 6: malloreigh)

Here is your fortune for today:
If you credit metromanic and comment, you will have perfect hair for a week!
If you hotlink or steal, your entire house will be trampled by an elephant escaped from the zoo (no one will get hurt, though).

( a bird in the hand gathers no moss )

I met a real Russian! I told her "I love your boots, zey iz so beautiful. Vhere did you get zem?" She responded, "Sank you! I got zem in Paris. Zey have so many shops on ze small streets zat have low pricing."

I met an honest to god real Russian, with AWESOME boots!

I should put this in my baby book!

After three weeks, I stop taking my birth control pills, and begin the week where I am supposed to have my period. Every single time, I am filled with a paranoia that I have somehow become pregnant. I tell Shane that I have felt nauseous twice in a row in the mornings, and that I'm worried. I don't know why I can't trust the damn medication, but I just can't. This week, my period didn't start until late Wednesday night, and having been four days since I stopped taking pills, I was ecstatic to see that a baby was not growing inside me. I exited the bathroom and found myself facing Shane with a load of laundry in his hands. I said, "Good news!" He smiled and said, "Period?" and I nodded my head.

As I walked back into his room, I realized that one day that good news will be that I have not started my period. And that will be a beautiful, beautiful day.